FatBoy has always used 15 October 2000 as my birthday; he may be right - I don't remember the event (hey! I was just a puppy - give me a break)

Today, he was exchanging emails with Cameron and I watched him pull up a website called Dog Years Calculator and he said that her dog, Jackson, is the equivalent of 41 human years - using the formula on that site.

He's probably right; Jackson looks to be middle-aged. Once FatBoy left the computer, I sneaked (snuck?) in and ran my own calculation. Given that I'm 2727 days old (thanks, timeanddate.com), it looks like I'm almost 43 years old in human years.

How long before I can collect Canine Security?

I hate it when FatBoy can't sleep through the night, because it interrupts my beauty sleep. And by now you probably know that I must stick to my routine. Every day, I want everything to be the same. From the moment the sun comes up and FatBoy lets me into the backyard (to do .. you know .. what bears do in the woods) .. and then he fills my water bowl, and my food bowl.

Some days (I think 4 days a week) he goes outside to get something called a "newspaper" off the front lawn. I think it falls from the sky in the middle of the night. The other days, he heads for the kitchen to feed from the refrigerator. I don't understand why he doesn't eat from a bowl-on-the-hearth, like me .. it's so very convenient .. just at the right height and everything. Maybe it has something to do with his desire to show off .. walking on only two feet instead of four.

Anyway, back to FatBoy sleeping through the night. I like to leap onto the bed at night and sleep, with the idea that I can take it easy for a few hours while the small dogs that purr guard the house. But, when FatBoy's tossing and turning it makes it harder for me to sleep uninterrupted, and I'm grumpy the next day.

Maybe if I smother FatBoy with a pillow one night? I saw that done in a movie once. But then, who would feed me and water me and let me into the backyard to squat and Do My Thing? Hmmm. I'm going to have to sleep on this. If I can.

I'm working on an ad I hope to sneak into the local newspaper:

"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours."

Okay .. I actually found this ad on the Internet, written about 3 years ago by some humans associated with the Atlanta Humane Society, whatever that is. It was written by one of my cousins, a female black Lab named Daisy.

Word is that 15,000+ humans called in response to that ad, but I'm suspicious.

I'm thinking of putting my info up on Dogster

"Dog photo web pages. Dog breed pictures and information, dog stories, dog photo galleries, puppy pix, puppy gallery, cute fun puppies! Free dog web pages, bio, stories and news."

but I'm not sure if FatBoy would approve.

Being a black Lab, my intro would be something like:

"I'm a 5 year old black bitch. Wanna party?"

Last night, I was in the backyard around midnight, and heard a sound in the bushes. Being the curious critter that I am, I went to investigate, and saw the oddest looking dog I've ever seen! The dog barked at me, but it sounded really weak (more like a hiss), so I picked it up and carried it to the back door, so that FatBoy would be proud of me:


Needless to say, my new friend was tired, and fell asleep. 

I was tired, too, so I went inside and slept in the air conditioning. But - the next morning, I noticed that my new friend had vanished! FatBoy seemed relieved, and mentioned something about "Playing Possum". That must be a new game he's going to teach me. I can hardly wait!!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!

I never met Books, but I bet I would've liked him. Books was the Bookstore Dog at NerdBooks in Richardson. To hear FatBoy tell it, Books was a chocolate Lab(rador Retriever).

Apparently, Books the Dog died a few days ago. His owner, Dave, is mourning the loss, after bringing Books with him to work thousands of times, both in their California location and now in Richardson.

FatBoy gave me an extra hug today, and looked just a bit sad when he told me the news.

I wonder what happened to Alejandra? It's been more than a few weeks since she and her daughter, Maria, came here to clean the house. I used to love barking at the vacuum cleaner! Maybe they voluntarily went back across the Rio Grande, to live Happily Ever After?

Meanwhile, I was surfing the `net while FatBoy was away, and wandered across this: Baby Names - Beta. Does this mean that I'm Greek? I thought I was Canadian (Labrador)??

When I finally get a driver's license and a car, I'm going to have vanity plates:

DOFUBO

get it -- Dog Food Bowl! Pretty cool, huh?

Have you ever farted unexpectedly, such that it startles you? I was laying on the floor of FatBoy's office today, and an unexpected pop under my tail made me shoot up off the floor. It didn't scare me, so I didn't bark at it, but I did look around the room to see if there was anyone I could blame this flatulence on. Sadly, the small dogs (with the long tails) were at the north end of the house.

I heard FatBoy giggle at my plight. I'll get back at him sometime; he does enough stupid things that it won't be long before I can laugh at him. Once I learned how to laugh, that is.

Published in The New Yorker July 5, 1993 

When FatBoy tells me how long he'll be gone, sometimes I "run out" for awhile.

Today, I ran to the local Palm Reader, but she sent me away. She said I didn't have a palm .. only "pads".

If I had tear ducts, I'd cry. This is so unfair.

While FatBoy was out, I was web surfing, and found this site: Sam ... World's Ugliest Dog

Yeesh! That is one U-G-L-Y mutt.

Arooooooooooo!!

Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark.

<pant pant pant>

Bark bark bark.

<fart>

I wonder if FatBoy has read this article: American Kennel Club - AKC eNewsletter. Since I get to stay inside most of the time (in the air conditioning) I've never been too bothered by the Texas summer.

Yesterday, I saw FatBoy looking at one of those mail order catalogs, and heard him laugh. Later, when he went on one of his errands, I looked at the catalog and saw he was looking at a dog watering device, triggered by a motion sensor whenever I'd walk over to it. Yeah, right. Like I have the brains to use that.

FatBoy's never, ever given me a bath but I think I smell pretty dern good. I've sniffed the butts of a few long-haired dogs over the years, and they reeeeek!

Still, my favorite sniff was The Goat at the Richardson Animal Shelter (where FatBoy found me). I wish I could've spent more time with him (her?) as the bleats were unlike anything else I've experienced.

Today's the 15th .. that means I'll probably get squirted with that anti-flea stuff again. Yeesh.