There's something wrong with FatBoy tonight. He was reading a book (The Best Cat Ever, by Cleveland Amory) and then he left for awhile, and brought me the biggest pile of Wendy's Fries I've ever seen. Then, he fed them to me and brushed me afterwards.

I think I'll take him to the vet tomorrow. I'm hoping it's nothing serious.

Go ahead, pull my paw.

Laugh if you must, but I don't like it when FatBoy suddenly changes my food. The least he could do is gradually (over a week or so) get me used to the new stuff.

This happened last week, when he took me aside and said he could no longer find my Food of Choice (like I picked it out anyway) and had to switch brands .. to something called Goodlife Recipe. There for a minute, I thought he was deeply concerned that he had to switch, but then I realized he was Pulling A Hillary and the tears were fake.

Now (tonight) I caught him looking at Dog Food Analysis.com so he may be changing again when this bag is empty.

I don't know why he's concerned, other than the fact that the new brand lets me Toot On Command. Or when I'm sleeping at his feet. Whew! Who cut the cheese?

I think FatBoy is insane. A few days ago, he brought home a small fire hydrant and now he wants to wash me with it. What on Earth is he thinking?

Rambo was here for a visit last week. Apparently his owner was in the hospital. You may remember that he's short; I heard FatBoy say something about "Welsh Corgi" but he didn't look like grape jelly to me.

Anyway, he has some weird habits. One of them is his reaction when FatBoy presses that button on his desk, many times a day. I think he calls it a KVM Switch, but I can't see up there, so I don't know what it does, other than make a little sound which drove Rambo crazy every time he'd press it. And, Rambo never learned - he'd bark like crazy every time the switch was pressed, which often interrupted my cat naps.

Honestly, I'm glad he's gone. Now I can get some uninterrupted rest.

I brought Pammy (my opossum) to the backdoor for another visit last night. She lives under the storage shed in the backyard, and keeps getting bigger and bigger, so she must be eating plenty of bugs. FatBoy says I'm no longer a Labrador Retriever, and am now an Opossum Retriever.

This is the third time I've brought it to the backdoor, but this is the first time I wanted to bring it inside (it was 1AM - and YES I can tell time!).

FatBoy politely (!) told me NO and I dropped it in the threshold; he then got a broom handle and pushed it fully outside, and invited me in for the night. By morning, Pammy was gone.

FatBoy says there are some good 'possum recipes on the web, so maybe he'll cook it up if I bring it home again?

FatBoy gave me the new password this morning, so I can now blog again - wheee!!

I don't know if he forgot to pay the water bill, or what, but lots of water has been falling from the sky in the past few weeks. And if there's one thing I (a Labrador Retriever) cannot stand, it's water.

When FatBoy opens the back door so I can go potty (or tinkle) the water gets between my pads and feels squishy. I don't like that. So often I'll just step five or six steps outside the back door and squat right there. I never understood why FatBoy doesn't do it this way. Instead, he sits on the Big White Chair. I'm happy to guard him, just in case.

Well, that was sure different. FatBoy's on holiday this week, so he's busy doing stuff around the house. At about 4:30 (bet you didn't know I can tell time!) he asked if I wanted to Go For A Ride? What a stoopidt question - OF COURSE!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

What he forgot to tell me is that he was taking me to The Dog Wash. I don't know if this was punishment or what, but when we arrived, he lifted me (with help) into a metal container and proceeded to squirt water and soap and rinse all over me. Then he tried (ha!) to blow dry me, but I was NOT going to fall for that. I tried my best to excape (is that how you spell it?) but they had me tied down with two harnesses, so I couldn't get away. Meanwhile, there was a tiny-tiny dog (looked more like a hotdog to me) sitting in a basket, laughing. Yes, she was laughing at me.

FatBoy used a couple chamois rags to dry me down, and then it was time to go home.

When we got home, there was an email in FatBoy's mailbox:

Hi Beta,

We sure did enjoy meeting you today. Boy did you look super when you left--You just about knocked our socks off! We can't wait until your next visit when special doggy treats await you!

Bow Wow,
DiRty DaWgz

The only part I don't understand is about "socks" - what are those?

what's a yoof-a-mism?

I heard FatBoy talking into The Magic Box again today, and he said "Beta's as dumb as a box of rocks. And that's an insult to the rocks." And then he laughed.

Then he said something about my elevator not going all the way to the top. Then he said I was several tacos short of a combination plate.

I don't know what ANY of this means. Why can't he speak Dog, like everyone else around here?

okay, exactly who is this "Dino" person that I'm supposedly so much alike?

every once in awhile (daily) I hear a vicious human outside, armed with an Uzi or a baseball bat, and I awake from my slumber in order to chase off this Evil Doer. this necessitates running at high speed from one end of the house to another, often running into/through one of the small dogs (with the long tails) or sometimes FatBoy.

FatBoy then says "Dino!!!" and starts laughing. I don't get the joke. And, being a canine, I'm incapable of laughter.

So stop it with the Dino references, okay?

What a cool new toy! FatBoy came home with a new toy today - I'll call it RedDot. The Fat Cat knew immediately what to do. She showed me how to sit in wait, until RedDot appeared on the carpet. Then, the chase was ON.

Of course, I wanted to get in on the action, too, but sometimes RedDot went under the clocktail table and FatCat could get to it easily .. it was harder for me, but I did learn how to dive underneath and come out the other side. Sometimes, FatCat tried to monopolize RedDot (which only seems to come out when FatBoy is in the room .. I'm not sure why).

update: turns out RedDot is really called a Laser Pointer (I found the discarded box it came in). It apparently runs on 2 AA batteries. I wonder if they taste good?

Honestly, I don't know what the excitement was about. It seems that FatBoy left town for a 2-day trip to Californica, and he asked The Two Nice People to check on the small dogs (with the long tails) and I.

Early the next morning, The Nice Lady came by and played with us, and then The Nice Man visited us in the afternoon. And then I got to watch TV and catch up on my sleep. When FatBoy returned (sometime after midnight last night), The Nice Man was with him, who seemed happy to have his car back. Something must've been going on, but for the life of me, I can't figure it out.

I've been eating Beneful for a couple years, but not because I have much of a choice. FatBoy has never taken me to the grocery store, but I've heard that he could take me to Petsmart.

I've never been much of a socialite; I prefer spending time around small dogs (with long tails) or humans. Most other dogs I've met just want to sniff my butt, although I'm not sure I understand why. I read on a website that I can know another dog's health by butt-sniffing, but there just has to be a better way.

Some strangers have come here, twice a day, for the past few days. They've been changing my water and feeding me and the short dogs (with the long tails). And there's a guy in a uniform who opens the gates and checks the doors several times a day.

All this is interrupting my routine. I wonder what happened to FatBoy?

I'm not sure what happened, but FatBoy left this morning, not long after he got an early phone call. He said I could play on the Internet for the next week.

It rained last night and this morning, and the backyard is still soaked. A couple times, FatBoy let me out to do #1 and #2 but I've never liked Going Potty when the ground is wet.

So, about 10:30pm I finally felt it was dry enough (well, okay .. it was dark and I couldn't tell one way or another) so .. out I went. Yuck. Now I have wet leaves and mud stuck between my pads. When I came inside, FatBoy tried to wipe most of the mud-leaf mix onto the rug by the door, but he didn't get it all.

Then, he made me sit in the kitchen for an hour or so while it dried! Now, when I snuck back to the office to update My Blog, I didn't track anything on the carpet. Where's the fun in that??

Sometimes, I think FatBoy doesn't think I'm smart.

Yesterday, he returned from fetching the mail (I can't do that because the box is too high off the ground) and removed his long-sleeved shirt and draped it over my back. For the life of me, I don't know why he does that. I can't reach back there to remove it, and I ended up walking from one side of the house to the other until it slid off somewhere. He seemed to think this was funny.

He did a similar stunt a few days ago. After buying something at the drive-thru, he brought home French Fries for me! This is always a lot of fun -- they're tasty, and he only eats the smallest (crispy) ones in the container. But this time, he'd place one or two between my shoulder blades. Argh! I cannot figure out how to get to them! I tried grabbing them with my tongue, but it's not long enough. Next, I tried reaching from the left side, instead of the right. Still nothing. And there FatBoy sits, laughing and pointing at me.

I'll get him back. Some night when he's sleeping, I'll gnaw off one of his legs. That'll teach him to torment me.

I hate having to sneak around behind FatBoy's back, but he's been grumpy the past few days. I don't think it has anything to do with me or the small dogs (with the long tails) .. he's just in one of Those Moods.

Last Saturday, my little friend Rambo left after some Giant Woman (well, okay, I'm only 24 inches tall, so everyone seems giant to me) came to get him. I gave the house a sniff-over when he left, and then decided to take a nap. I deserved it.

When FatBoy leaves the house, I sometimes turn on the TV and watch the Animal Planet network. I'm not sure why, but when he went to run errands yesterday, I turned to the Weather Channel for a few minutes, and see that they've run out of names for 2005 Hurricanes (the small-brained ones didn't like the few choices for names beginning with Q/U/X/Y/Z) .. so they're going to use the letters from the Greek alphabet next.

Well, isn't that a fine How Do You Do? In two more storms, there could be a Tropical Storm Beta (or even Hurricane Beta). And then everyone will blame ME! I demand a recount.

Reference: CNN.com - Atlantic storm names may go Greek - Sep 20, 2005

Does anyone have a copy of Campfire Songs translated into Labrador Retriever?

All the Humans are preparing for something called a "Hurricane," so FatBoy has decided that he and I (along with the short dogs (with the long tails) should practice by turning off the electricity and singing campfire songs in front of the gas-burning fireplace.

There are a few problems with that:

1- it's still September. It's over 100 degrees outside. It's too hot for a campfire. The short dogs and I vote FOR keeping the air conditioner on.

2- I'm a dog. I don't DO campfire songs. Look it up on Google if you don't believe me.

3- Now will you double-check my water bowl and food dish? I'm bored and hungry.

I'm not sure what's happening, but FatBoy's been watching more television than usual the past 10 days or so. Every once in awhile, he yells out "doggie!" and points to the screen. Naturally, I don't take the queue; instead I go to the front window and don't see any dogs, and eventually I trot back to the living room.

A few days ago, he muttered something about getting another dog and naming it Katrina. I wonder if he's trying to replace me?