Beta the Wonder Dog

2008-08-17T23:07:00.001-05:00

There's something wrong with FatBoy tonight. He was reading a book (The Best Cat Ever, by Cleveland Amory) and then he left for awhile, and brought me the biggest pile of Wendy's Fries I've ever seen. Then, he fed them to me and brushed me afterwards.

I think I'll take him to the vet tomorrow. I'm hoping it's nothing serious.

2008-08-12T11:53:00.003-05:00

Only two more months before I turn 8 years old - woo hoo!

FatBoy took me to see Doctor Cold this morning. "Annual physical" or something like that. About an hour before we left, FatBoy gave me a strange new pill (called Diazepam) which was supposed to calm me down. Well, it didn't work - nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah. So, I had a seizure in the LOBBY this morning, and not on the sidewalk. That'll learn him.

At least I was able to squeeze out a fecal sample right there in the lobby, while I was kicking and frothing. Why isn't everyone happy?

2008-08-07T17:39:00.002-05:00

Sorry about not posting lately. Nothing wrong, other than it's too HOT outside.

For breakfast, I had the usual: Grammy's Pot Pie (yummm). Then, FatBoy let me lick the bowl after his lunch (lentil soup). Then, I started lettin' em rip and had to relocate after each microburst!

Sandra-Bob then offered this wisdom:

Beans, beans, the magical fruit.
The more you eat, the more you toot.
The more you toot, the better you feel.
So lift your leg, and let them squeal!

2008-05-02T11:28:00.001-05:00

In addition to the new food FatBoy's giving me, I noticed he's changed what he's feeding the short dogs with long tails, too. Lately he's been feeding them EVO wet cat food on even-numbered days, and EVO dry cat food on odd-numbered days.

Pandora and Samantha must really like the wet food, because now they LINE UP in the kitchen when he prepares their dishes (on the even days). And they make the wierdest bark - sounds like "meow! meOW! MEOW!". I wish I could bark like that.

2008-04-27T13:02:00.000-05:00

I know he thinks I'm a few pigeons short of a coop, but FatBoy's trying to wean me off food that's mostly corn. This week, he's mixing what's left of my regular food (30 pound bag) and something called AvoDerm. I like the new food a LOT, but now I see yet another different bag sitting up high where I can't reach it. The newest one is called Grammy's Pot Pie and I can hardly wait to try it!

FatBoy had it with him when he returned from the store where he got the New! Improved! peanuts for the blue jays, so I suspect he's found a new source for all of us. I wonder if that includes the short dogs with long tails? I noticed him looking at a website for diabetic cat food a few days ago. I suspect it's all related somehow.

Today it's raining again. I HATE THAT. Whenever I go outside to poop and it's raining, I get mud between my pads. Yuch!

2008-04-17T13:35:00.005-05:00

FatBoy took me to see Doctor Cold on Tuesday -- something about routine shots. But, geez .. I hate that place. It's not because of the people inside (they've always been very nice to me). Even the shots don't bother me. It's that %^^& sidewalk in front that makes me crazy - literally. Once I spotted that pattern of bricks, I had another seizure. On command. Everytime I see those bricks, I just lose it. This time, two nice vet assistants came outside when I had the seizure, very concerned.

FatBoy says the seizures last about a minute, followed by a minute of "groggy" and then I'm normal again. It's a good thing they only happen every 6 weeks or so, or EVERY time I go to the vet. Hmmm. He says this is the 7th one I've had, over the past 7 months or so .. they seem to be getting less frequent.

Anyway, I heard FatBoy talking to Doctor Cold this morning, and he says my blood test shows my thyroid at 2.1 (well within the 1.0-4.0 acceptable range). Today, he's going to refill that prescription. I can hardly wait!!!

2008-04-03T16:13:00.001-05:00

FatBoy has always used 15 October 2000 as my birthday; he may be right - I don't remember the event (hey! I was just a puppy - give me a break)

Today, he was exchanging emails with Cameron and I watched him pull up a website called Dog Years Calculator and he said that her dog, Jackson, is the equivalent of 41 human years - using the formula on that site.

He's probably right; Jackson looks to be middle-aged. Once FatBoy left the computer, I sneaked (snuck?) in and ran my own calculation. Given that I'm 2727 days old (thanks, timeanddate.com), it looks like I'm almost 43 years old in human years.

How long before I can collect Canine Security?

2008-03-16T20:31:00.005-05:00

Go ahead, pull my paw.

Laugh if you must, but I don't like it when FatBoy suddenly changes my food. The least he could do is gradually (over a week or so) get me used to the new stuff.

This happened last week, when he took me aside and said he could no longer find my Food of Choice (like I picked it out anyway) and had to switch brands .. to something called Goodlife Recipe. There for a minute, I thought he was deeply concerned that he had to switch, but then I realized he was Pulling A Hillary and the tears were fake.

Now (tonight) I caught him looking at Dog Food Analysis.com so he may be changing again when this bag is empty.

I don't know why he's concerned, other than the fact that the new brand lets me Toot On Command. Or when I'm sleeping at his feet. Whew! Who cut the cheese?

2008-02-28T11:06:00.001-06:00

FatBoy gave me a JumBone this morning - I'm not sure what I did to deserve it.

It's nice outside - already 13C and going to 20C by 5pm. So, I went outside and rolled upside down in the grass. Now, FatBoy's laughing at me because of all the dry grass on my back. Personally, I think it looks *stylish*.

2008-02-13T10:18:00.003-06:00

I think FatBoy is insane. A few days ago, he brought home a small fire hydrant and now he wants to wash me with it. What on Earth is he thinking?

2008-02-13T09:55:00.003-06:00

Miles departed (with his mom) late Saturday night, or so it seems. Lacking enough brain cells to add 1+1, I didn't really notice until today. We had a good time, running and jumping and schnoozing.

The only thing I didn't like is when Miles tries to climb on top of me from behind .. I'm not sure what he's trying to do, but it seems to make him mildly happy with his wiggles and such, so I tolerate it, mostly.

2008-01-10T16:45:00.000-06:00

Miles arrived (with his mom) Sunday night, and will be here for a few weeks, I think. Honestly, I never know when he'll leave again. For now, we'll just touch butts and catnap ...

2007-12-22T16:12:00.000-06:00

Pandora is one lucky dog - FatBoy found out yesterday that she has diabetes, too, just like Samantha. Why can't I have diabetes? Oh, woe is me.

2007-12-07T09:58:00.000-06:00

I passed my blood test - whoopie!

I overheard a message on FatBoy's answering machine, where Dr. Cold said everything looked normal except for something called a Thyroid Test, where I scored 0.9 instead of 1.0 or higher. That's close enough, right? Since they never let me attend school, I'm not sure ...

2007-12-06T12:47:00.000-06:00

Woopie! I got to go visit my friend, Dr. Cold Stethoscope today.

FatBoy seemed concerned about my bad dream at 3:30 this morning. (okay, so I did "wet the bed" right afterward - my bad!). This seemed to spook FatBoy enough to take me to the vet. As soon as I got out of the car - I saw The Bug again and had to have a taste. And, just like last time, I started frothing like crazy out in the parking lot. Then, as soon as I got inside .. well, I don't remember what happened. FatBoy says I had a seizure right there in the waiting room, all legs extended & twitching and frothing badly (I don't remember any of this - he could be making it up).

Anyway, Dr. Cold took me in the back room and gave me a diazepam (Valium) and drew some blood and took an X-ray of my back left leg (it's been bothering me for a couple weeks, hence my hopping). He told FatBoy that I may have something called "epilepsy" but that's hard to diagnose. He also said that the results of my blood test will be back tomorrow. Gee, I sure hope I pass!

2007-12-01T13:58:00.000-06:00

I waited until FatBoy left the house, then I uploaded a photo of one of the short dogs (that purr) onto this website: Scrooge yourself. I wonder if anyone will notice?

2007-11-19T13:08:00.001-06:00

I wonder why FatBoy's spending so much time with Samantha (the little black dog with the long tail) lately?

Every morning, he picks her up and strokes her until she purrrrs and then he gives her a little white pill, then strokes her some more. I heard him tell someone that she has "dye a beet ees" (or something like that). It must not be good, since she's been really out of sorts lately, just sitting in the hallway and acting groggy. She also had a couple accidents near her litter box .. very unusual. She's just not herself .. she hasn't even hisssssed at Pandora for several weeks!

Me, I've been hobbling around the past week after I stepped on something while running in the backyard. FatBoy's been giving me a "baby aspirin" (whatever that is) every day and I'm feeling a little better now. There's not much else going on, so I think I'll sneak into the living room and watch Animal Planet.

2007-10-17T13:37:00.000-05:00

I'm really glad that I don't live in Pasadena, California. Today, while FatBoy was out running errands, I read the story about how Marina Batkis (d/b/a "Mutts and Moms" - a Pet Nazi organization) took a dog away from a family, because they judged them "inappropriate" (children under age 14 at home).

It turns out that Ellen DeGeneres (I watch her instead of Animal Planet sometimes) gave an adopted dog to her hairdresser, who has two teenage daughters at home who bonded immediately with Iggy (a Brussels Griffon mix).

Egads. The proper treatment would be to spay and neuter the humans who run "Mutts and Moms" so that THEY can't reproduce. The world doesn't need scum like them (I can say that because I'm a bitch).

Oops .. I hear the garage door. Gotta go. Too bad Iggy doesn't have a blog.

2007-09-23T00:41:00.000-05:00

I hate it when FatBoy can't sleep through the night, because it interrupts my beauty sleep. And by now you probably know that I must stick to my routine. Every day, I want everything to be the same. From the moment the sun comes up and FatBoy lets me into the backyard (to do .. you know .. what bears do in the woods) .. and then he fills my water bowl, and my food bowl.

Some days (I think 4 days a week) he goes outside to get something called a "newspaper" off the front lawn. I think it falls from the sky in the middle of the night. The other days, he heads for the kitchen to feed from the refrigerator. I don't understand why he doesn't eat from a bowl-on-the-hearth, like me .. it's so very convenient .. just at the right height and everything. Maybe it has something to do with his desire to show off .. walking on only two feet instead of four.

Anyway, back to FatBoy sleeping through the night. I like to leap onto the bed at night and sleep, with the idea that I can take it easy for a few hours while the small dogs that purr guard the house. But, when FatBoy's tossing and turning it makes it harder for me to sleep uninterrupted, and I'm grumpy the next day.

Maybe if I smother FatBoy with a pillow one night? I saw that done in a movie once. But then, who would feed me and water me and let me into the backyard to squat and Do My Thing? Hmmm. I'm going to have to sleep on this. If I can.

2007-08-31T09:46:00.000-05:00

Rambo was here for a visit last week. Apparently his owner was in the hospital. You may remember that he's short; I heard FatBoy say something about "Welsh Corgi" but he didn't look like grape jelly to me.

Anyway, he has some weird habits. One of them is his reaction when FatBoy presses that button on his desk, many times a day. I think he calls it a KVM Switch, but I can't see up there, so I don't know what it does, other than make a little sound which drove Rambo crazy every time he'd press it. And, Rambo never learned - he'd bark like crazy every time the switch was pressed, which often interrupted my cat naps.

Honestly, I'm glad he's gone. Now I can get some uninterrupted rest.

2007-08-04T09:11:00.000-05:00

Why do the short dogs get all the best toys? Yesterday, FatBoy came home with some yummy cookies (he calls them "dog treats") and he also had a small brush (comb?) which he used on the small dogs that purr. Neither of them has a name tag like mine, since they never-ever get to go outside - he must be punishing them.

It seems like the little dogs with the long tails have their own "annual examination" coming soon - they each got a postcard from Doctor Freeze. Why do they get all the fun? I wanna go! I wanna go! I wanna go!

Anyway, back to this new comb. I heard FatBoy tell someone on the phone that he paid ONE DOLLAR for it. Geez, that sounds like a lot of money, the way he emphasized it. "A DOLLAR!" he said .. "ONE ENTIRE DOLLAR!!".

Anyway, the little dogs seem to like it. The fat dog rubbed up again FatBoy's leg this morning, and he scratched her back and she started that purrrrrring again. Geez, I hate that! I have tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried to purrrrr but I can't. Mine comes out like a growwwwwwl.

2007-07-29T20:35:00.001-05:00

My breath's not bad - is it?

Today, FatBoy came home from some place called "Sprouts" (I read the bag) and had a box of Good Buddy dog cookies from a company called Castor & Pollux. He's brought home their cheese cookies before, and they are very tasty.

Today, however, he bought their "spearmint & parsley flavor" which is supposed to improve my breath. Harumph! My breath's already perfect, and doesn't need improvement. To prove it, I'm gonna go chew on my possum in the backyard again ... then breathe on everyone in the house. Mmm .. minty fresh!

2007-07-20T09:16:00.000-05:00

What a day.

I've been limping the past few days, ever since Miles (my BFF) left. So FatBoy apparently called The Vet and pretended not to be concerned, but I knew he was. He still has pictures of Tori (she was a black Lab before me, who died of something called "mast cells"). Apparently her downfall started with a limp, too.

Anyway, I stopped limping when Vet Day rolled around (what exactly is "Murphy's Law" anyway?). But I couldn't see Doctor Freeze (why does the vet keep his stethoscope in the freezer?) without having something wrong with me, so .. I spotted a bug on the sidewalk, just outside the vet's office, and proceeded to swallow it. Blech! I was frothing at the mouth for several minutes, before FatBoy led me inside. I was the only patient at the time, and we went back to The Tiny Room for a few minutes.

When the time had come to see Doctor Freeze, he led me to a back room, drew a blood sample and gave me a pedicure! It was then that I decided to Show Off and started frothing again, but I added a few spasms (dramatic effect). This seemed to concern Doctor Freeze, until FatBoy spilled the beans and told him about my encounter outside. I then decided to froth some more. Doctor Freeze said that FatBoy should watch me and see if this gets worse. As if!

Hey, FatBoy! Reach up there and hand me another Mr. Barky's - pronto!

2007-06-13T16:50:00.000-05:00

I brought Pammy (my opossum) to the backdoor for another visit last night. She lives under the storage shed in the backyard, and keeps getting bigger and bigger, so she must be eating plenty of bugs. FatBoy says I'm no longer a Labrador Retriever, and am now an Opossum Retriever.

This is the third time I've brought it to the backdoor, but this is the first time I wanted to bring it inside (it was 1AM - and YES I can tell time!).

FatBoy politely (!) told me NO and I dropped it in the threshold; he then got a broom handle and pushed it fully outside, and invited me in for the night. By morning, Pammy was gone.

FatBoy says there are some good 'possum recipes on the web, so maybe he'll cook it up if I bring it home again?

2007-06-12T09:18:00.000-05:00

I just heard that my Best Friend Forever (Miles) isn't feeling good. He's on anti-inflammatory meds and muscle relaxants. He was in the emergency room yesterday morning! Every 8 hours he gets one large pill, then once a day he gets some anti-inflammatory liquid. And NO activity for the next 5-7 days.

Poor little guy! At least he quit shaking!

(all this info from an email that Miles' mom sent to FatBoy, which he read to me)

2007-06-03T08:41:00.000-05:00

FatBoy gave me the new password this morning, so I can now blog again - wheee!!

I don't know if he forgot to pay the water bill, or what, but lots of water has been falling from the sky in the past few weeks. And if there's one thing I (a Labrador Retriever) cannot stand, it's water.

When FatBoy opens the back door so I can go potty (or tinkle) the water gets between my pads and feels squishy. I don't like that. So often I'll just step five or six steps outside the back door and squat right there. I never understood why FatBoy doesn't do it this way. Instead, he sits on the Big White Chair. I'm happy to guard him, just in case.

2007-03-06T16:56:00.000-06:00

Well, that was sure different. FatBoy's on holiday this week, so he's busy doing stuff around the house. At about 4:30 (bet you didn't know I can tell time!) he asked if I wanted to Go For A Ride? What a stoopidt question - OF COURSE!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

What he forgot to tell me is that he was taking me to The Dog Wash. I don't know if this was punishment or what, but when we arrived, he lifted me (with help) into a metal container and proceeded to squirt water and soap and rinse all over me. Then he tried (ha!) to blow dry me, but I was NOT going to fall for that. I tried my best to excape (is that how you spell it?) but they had me tied down with two harnesses, so I couldn't get away. Meanwhile, there was a tiny-tiny dog (looked more like a hotdog to me) sitting in a basket, laughing. Yes, she was laughing at me.

FatBoy used a couple chamois rags to dry me down, and then it was time to go home.

When we got home, there was an email in FatBoy's mailbox:

Hi Beta,

We sure did enjoy meeting you today. Boy did you look super when you left--You just about knocked our socks off! We can't wait until your next visit when special doggy treats await you!

Bow Wow,
DiRty DaWgz

The only part I don't understand is about "socks" - what are those?

2007-02-22T16:59:00.000-06:00

what's a yoof-a-mism?

I heard FatBoy talking into The Magic Box again today, and he said "Beta's as dumb as a box of rocks. And that's an insult to the rocks." And then he laughed.

Then he said something about my elevator not going all the way to the top. Then he said I was several tacos short of a combination plate.

I don't know what ANY of this means. Why can't he speak Dog, like everyone else around here?

2007-02-14T18:23:00.000-06:00

I'm working on an ad I hope to sneak into the local newspaper:

"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours."

Okay .. I actually found this ad on the Internet, written about 3 years ago by some humans associated with the Atlanta Humane Society, whatever that is. It was written by one of my cousins, a female black Lab named Daisy.

Word is that 15,000+ humans called in response to that ad, but I'm suspicious.

2007-02-10T09:29:00.000-06:00

Purina Naturals for cats

Purina Naturally Complete for Dogs

I'm not much into Change. Routines make me happy. FatBoy change my dog food. Me now eat Purina Natually Complete. It very yummy. I notice he change food for small dogs with long tail to Purina Naturals. Both "black one" and "fat one" like it muchly. What is "cat" anyway?

Now, I'm hungry. Woof woof.

2007-01-31T03:50:00.000-06:00

Okay, I don't get the joke. FatBoy just put this on his car, then took me out to see it. What does it say? Doesn't he know that I can't read? Or laugh?

Dog Smarter Bumper Sticker

2007-01-17T22:38:00.000-06:00

2007-01-17T09:25:00.000-06:00

When FatBoy asked "do you want to take a break?!?!" I happily hopped to the backdoor. He didn't tell me that he had the backyard redone overnight.

Now, there's white paint (or something) covering some parts of the ground. Not sure I like it. It's cold, but tastes pretty good. Maybe it could stand a little beef seasoning?

2006-12-31T14:40:00.000-06:00

There are times when no court would ever convict me, if I simply gnawed FatBoy to death while he slept. This is inhumane, no matter how you slice it.

2006-12-27T11:30:00.000-06:00

I think I figured out why FatBoy likes the little dogs better than me; they've learned how to do something called "purr". Apparently it involves rubbing up against something (either a cardboard box, or furniture) and making a low, rumblng sound. Maybe they're hungry? FatBoy keeps their food bowls out of my reach, so I can't tell if they're out of food. And no, they are NOT welcome to eat MY food (which is kept at ground level) ... I'm not much into sharing food. It's okay to share the couch .. they can even touch my butt if they want, but I draw the line when it comes to chow.

Still, I must learn the secrets of this "purr" thing.

I don't think it's related to Purrina (the name on the bags of food) but I'm not yet sure what to make of it.

Meanwhile, I have a new hobby, but FatBoy doesn't know it yet. I'm learning to install "Puppy Linux", which would be easier if I had opposable thumbs. More on this later ...

2006-12-20T12:32:00.000-06:00

I'm bummed. Yesterday, I got to see Dr. Freeze and today, the two small dogs (with the long tails) had their turn.

Seems that FatBoy was waiting for a conference call to begin, and noticed that both of their rabies vaccinations expired today. I guess those vaccines are very precise, and if he'd waited until just after midnight, they might've contracted rabies and come looking to bite ME!

Anyway, he did that over his lunch break today, so now I can sleep easier. Whew! That was a close call. Guess I should figure out how to complain about FatBoy to the SPCA of Texas.

2006-12-19T22:46:00.000-06:00

FatBoy didn't give me more than 30 seconds to prep myself, but I got to see my Bestest Friend In The Whole World Today: Doctor Vet!

Going there only twice a year doesn't give me a lot of time to talk to my friend. I'd like to explain my insecurities and feeling of inadequacy, but FatBoy's usually concerned with making sure Dr. Vet sticks enough needles in me, and pours stuff up my nose, that I can't concentrate.

Quibble: even though I'm fur-lined, Dr. Vet's stethoscope always seems on the cold side. I wonder if he stores it in that mini-fridge in between appointments?

While I was there today, I saw One Of My People, although I suspect she's a different race. She was a Chocolate Lab, and since her skin color's different from mine, I must find a way to hate her appropriately. I tried barking and screeching and even attempted to dislocate FatBoy's arm, but nothing worked .. I couldn't get to her! I must practice.

Since FatBoy didn't give me time to prepare (I could've used a Furmination) I wasn't ready to provide The Sample (you know -- stool) that Dr. Vet seems to adore. But, as soon as I got home, I went into the backyard and provided the most enormous, fragrant sample I could squeeze out. FatBoy seemed very pleased, even gathering a bit into a plastic bag. I'm guessing he wanted it for his collection.

2006-11-26T11:36:00.000-06:00

There are times when it's really nice not having a brain.

My best friend Miles was here the past several weeks, and he left Friday afternoon. While he was here, I had a great time running and jumping with him, not to mention sleeping next to him at night, butts touching.

Now that he's gone, well, I don't miss him (because I have no brain). I didn't wander through the house and backyard looking for him. As long as my food dish is full when I'm hungry, and my water dish is full when I'm thirsty, I'm a happy camper.

Now, it's time for a nap.

2006-10-29T07:14:00.001-06:00

Miles left a few weeks ago, but FatBoy told me (this morning) that he's returning tomorrow for a longer visit.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!!

2006-09-17T18:26:00.000-05:00

Why is it that when Miles comes to visit, he has to sleep with his butt cheek touching mine?

2006-09-14T19:08:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking of putting my info up on Dogster

"Dog photo web pages. Dog breed pictures and information, dog stories, dog photo galleries, puppy pix, puppy gallery, cute fun puppies! Free dog web pages, bio, stories and news."

but I'm not sure if FatBoy would approve.

Being a black Lab, my intro would be something like:

"I'm a 5 year old black bitch. Wanna party?"

2006-07-02T20:40:00.000-05:00

Last night, I was in the backyard around midnight, and heard a sound in the bushes. Being the curious critter that I am, I went to investigate, and saw the oddest looking dog I've ever seen! The dog barked at me, but it sounded really weak (more like a hiss), so I picked it up and carried it to the back door, so that FatBoy would be proud of me:

Needless to say, my new friend was tired, and fell asleep.

I was tired, too, so I went inside and slept in the air conditioning. But - the next morning, I noticed that my new friend had vanished! FatBoy seemed relieved, and mentioned something about "Playing Possum". That must be a new game he's going to teach me. I can hardly wait!!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!

2006-06-15T18:41:00.000-05:00

I never met Books, but I bet I would've liked him. Books was the Bookstore Dog at NerdBooks in Richardson. To hear FatBoy tell it, Books was a chocolate Lab(rador Retriever).

Apparently, Books the Dog died a few days ago. His owner, Dave, is mourning the loss, after bringing Books with him to work thousands of times, both in their California location and now in Richardson.

FatBoy gave me an extra hug today, and looked just a bit sad when he told me the news.

2006-05-29T08:29:00.000-05:00

I wonder what happened to Alejandra? It's been more than a few weeks since she and her daughter, Maria, came here to clean the house. I used to love barking at the vacuum cleaner! Maybe they voluntarily went back across the Rio Grande, to live Happily Ever After?

Meanwhile, I was surfing the `net while FatBoy was away, and wandered across this: Baby Names - Beta. Does this mean that I'm Greek? I thought I was Canadian (Labrador)??

2006-04-21T19:20:00.000-05:00

okay, exactly who is this "Dino" person that I'm supposedly so much alike?

every once in awhile (daily) I hear a vicious human outside, armed with an Uzi or a baseball bat, and I awake from my slumber in order to chase off this Evil Doer. this necessitates running at high speed from one end of the house to another, often running into/through one of the small dogs (with the long tails) or sometimes FatBoy.

FatBoy then says "Dino!!!" and starts laughing. I don't get the joke. And, being a canine, I'm incapable of laughter.

So stop it with the Dino references, okay?

2006-04-01T19:39:00.000-06:00

I wish FatBoy would make up his mind. Thankfully, he gives me the same brand of food all the time - Beneful Healthy Radiance formula. I don't like change. I'm a dog, in case he didn't notice. We dogs like routine.

What annoys me (and maybe he'll read my blog, since he obviously doesn't understand my spoken word) is that he gets different kinds of treats. Most of the time, he comes home with those heart-shaped treats from Petsmart - vegetable or shark flavor. Don't get me wrong - they're crunchy and tasty - but then the next day he'll give me one of those all-natural peanut butter treats from Whole Foods Market. Don't get me wrong - they're crunchy and tasty - but then the next day he'll give me those heart-shaped treats from Petsmart - vegetable or shark flavor.

Don't get me wrong - they're crunchy and tasty - but then the next day he'll give me one of those all-natural peanut butter treats from Whole Foods Market. Don't get me wrong - they're crunchy and tasty - but then the next day he'll give me those heart-shaped treats from Petsmart - vegetable or shark flavor. Don't get me wrong - they're crunchy and tasty - but then the next day he'll give me one of those all-natural peanut butter treats from Whole Foods Market.

Oops .. here he comes .. gotta go! More later on this Very Important Subject.

2006-03-19T01:51:00.000-06:00

What a cool new toy! FatBoy came home with a new toy today - I'll call it RedDot. The Fat Cat knew immediately what to do. She showed me how to sit in wait, until RedDot appeared on the carpet. Then, the chase was ON.

Of course, I wanted to get in on the action, too, but sometimes RedDot went under the clocktail table and FatCat could get to it easily .. it was harder for me, but I did learn how to dive underneath and come out the other side. Sometimes, FatCat tried to monopolize RedDot (which only seems to come out when FatBoy is in the room .. I'm not sure why).

update: turns out RedDot is really called a Laser Pointer (I found the discarded box it came in). It apparently runs on 2 AA batteries. I wonder if they taste good?

2006-03-02T11:45:00.000-06:00

Honestly, I don't know what the excitement was about. It seems that FatBoy left town for a 2-day trip to Californica, and he asked The Two Nice People to check on the small dogs (with the long tails) and I.

Early the next morning, The Nice Lady came by and played with us, and then The Nice Man visited us in the afternoon. And then I got to watch TV and catch up on my sleep. When FatBoy returned (sometime after midnight last night), The Nice Man was with him, who seemed happy to have his car back. Something must've been going on, but for the life of me, I can't figure it out.

2006-02-26T18:23:00.000-06:00

I've been eating Beneful for a couple years, but not because I have much of a choice. FatBoy has never taken me to the grocery store, but I've heard that he could take me to Petsmart.

I've never been much of a socialite; I prefer spending time around small dogs (with long tails) or humans. Most other dogs I've met just want to sniff my butt, although I'm not sure I understand why. I read on a website that I can know another dog's health by butt-sniffing, but there just has to be a better way.

2006-02-10T21:20:00.000-06:00

The FatBoy returned! He gave me some cold French fries, which he says he got as part of a combo meal at a Burger King somewhere in east Texas. I scarfed `em down anyway.

The people who watched me while FatBoy was away were very nice, but I'll rest easier tonight, now that things are back to normal.

2006-02-05T21:24:00.000-06:00

Some strangers have come here, twice a day, for the past few days. They've been changing my water and feeding me and the short dogs (with the long tails). And there's a guy in a uniform who opens the gates and checks the doors several times a day.

All this is interrupting my routine. I wonder what happened to FatBoy?

2006-02-03T09:22:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure what happened, but FatBoy left this morning, not long after he got an early phone call. He said I could play on the Internet for the next week.

2006-02-02T10:28:00.000-06:00

Did I ever mention my microchip? I can't feel it, but it's good to know it's there.

A couple years ago, FatBoy paid a vet to inject this thing under my skin .. around my shoulderblade. It's about the size of a rice kernel, and can be read by special scanners that most vets, and all animal shelters have. That way, if I'm ever lost and separated from my collar, they'll still know who I am.

2006-01-28T23:47:00.000-06:00

It rained last night and this morning, and the backyard is still soaked. A couple times, FatBoy let me out to do #1 and #2 but I've never liked Going Potty when the ground is wet.

So, about 10:30pm I finally felt it was dry enough (well, okay .. it was dark and I couldn't tell one way or another) so .. out I went. Yuck. Now I have wet leaves and mud stuck between my pads. When I came inside, FatBoy tried to wipe most of the mud-leaf mix onto the rug by the door, but he didn't get it all.

Then, he made me sit in the kitchen for an hour or so while it dried! Now, when I snuck back to the office to update My Blog, I didn't track anything on the carpet. Where's the fun in that??

2006-01-18T20:58:00.000-06:00

I went for a short ride in FatBoy's car today. Then, the nice man at the vet squirted liquid up my nose (I think the called it Bordatella, or Portobella, or something like that). He also put a camera down my ears, checked out my pretty teeth, and made sure all my bones were where they belonged.

With that much excitement, I came home and napped all afternoon. Wouldn't you be worn out if someone poked and prodded you that way?

Oops .. gotta go .. I can hear FatBoy coming down the hal

2005-12-19T23:54:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, I think FatBoy doesn't think I'm smart.

Yesterday, he returned from fetching the mail (I can't do that because the box is too high off the ground) and removed his long-sleeved shirt and draped it over my back. For the life of me, I don't know why he does that. I can't reach back there to remove it, and I ended up walking from one side of the house to the other until it slid off somewhere. He seemed to think this was funny.

He did a similar stunt a few days ago. After buying something at the drive-thru, he brought home French Fries for me! This is always a lot of fun -- they're tasty, and he only eats the smallest (crispy) ones in the container. But this time, he'd place one or two between my shoulder blades. Argh! I cannot figure out how to get to them! I tried grabbing them with my tongue, but it's not long enough. Next, I tried reaching from the left side, instead of the right. Still nothing. And there FatBoy sits, laughing and pointing at me.

I'll get him back. Some night when he's sleeping, I'll gnaw off one of his legs. That'll teach him to torment me.

2005-12-11T11:35:00.000-06:00

When I finally get a driver's license and a car, I'm going to have vanity plates:

DOFUBO

get it -- Dog Food Bowl! Pretty cool, huh?

2005-12-08T01:53:00.000-06:00

I hate having to sneak around behind FatBoy's back, but he's been grumpy the past few days. I don't think it has anything to do with me or the small dogs (with the long tails) .. he's just in one of Those Moods.

Last Saturday, my little friend Rambo left after some Giant Woman (well, okay, I'm only 24 inches tall, so everyone seems giant to me) came to get him. I gave the house a sniff-over when he left, and then decided to take a nap. I deserved it.

2005-12-02T10:59:00.000-06:00

Rambo's been here over a week, and I think he'll be leaving soon. I overheard a message on FatBoy's answering machine, about "bringing him home", so ... it's probably just a matter of time.

This canine (I think someone said he's a Welch Corgi) gets away with murder. This morning, he decided to whiz (and whiz and whiz) on the black cat's litterbox; I guess he got a smell of the fecal matter inside and couldn't avoid contributing to the aroma. I heard FatBoy say a few choice words before grabbing the paper towels. At least Rambo had the courtesy of letting loose on a tile floor instead of the carpets .. this time.

2005-11-23T13:03:00.000-06:00

wow! what a surprise - Rambo's here!

FatBoy told me he was leaving "for a few minutes" so I took a Dog Nap, and when I awoke, my old friend Rambo was with him. No clue how long the little tyke'll be here. I sure hope he doesn't whiz on every piece of furniture in the house. If I'm not allowed to do that, he shouldn't be allowed, either.

Plus - how does he whiz without squatting? What's with the leg lift maneuver?

2005-11-19T20:57:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm going to sleep early tonight. Miles and I had a great time while he was here this week. There's nothing like having a creature of your same species with whom to play .. to, well .. lift your spirits. Sadly, he and his mom left this afternoon about 5pm, according to the clock on FatBoy's wall.

We both recovered nicely from that brief encounter with The Cat Under The Shed, but I suspect she's still out there, waiting for me to stick my nose underneath for a look-see.

Quite a few humans seem to think that Miles is my puppy, but since he's several years older than me, I don't think that's possible. I do acknowledge the family resemblance, though. Both of us have four feet, a tail, a red collar, black fur ...

2005-11-15T22:22:00.000-06:00

My good friend Miles (another Wonder Dog) arrived Sunday night. It is sooo nice to have another canine in the house. Sharing it with one human (FatBoy) and two short dogs (with long tails) is okay, but when you have someone of your own species around, well .. life is gooder*

* please pardon my lack of grammer sometimes. I pick up what I can by reading the old English textbooks, but (without opposable thumbs) sometimes it's hard to put them back on the shelf.

Yesterday, we were minding our own business in the backyard when an Evil Feline (feral, no doubt) attacked Miles, without provocation. Naturally, I rushed to help and succeeded in minimizing his injury (a scratch on his nose) .. but now I'm wondering if this dog has given birth to doglets (or whatever young dogs are called) under the backyard shed. Hmm. Life as a bitch (female dog) is a bitch.

2005-10-20T00:19:00.000-05:00

When FatBoy leaves the house, I sometimes turn on the TV and watch the Animal Planet network. I'm not sure why, but when he went to run errands yesterday, I turned to the Weather Channel for a few minutes, and see that they've run out of names for 2005 Hurricanes (the small-brained ones didn't like the few choices for names beginning with Q/U/X/Y/Z) .. so they're going to use the letters from the Greek alphabet next.

Well, isn't that a fine How Do You Do? In two more storms, there could be a Tropical Storm Beta (or even Hurricane Beta). And then everyone will blame ME! I demand a recount.

Reference: CNN.com - Atlantic storm names may go Greek - Sep 20, 2005

2005-10-08T23:41:00.000-05:00

well, I almost tore the fence down again. those squirrels were running along the top, and I did my usual BODY SLAM against it, trying to make them fall into my mouth, but it didn't work. come to think of it, that has never worked. but I'll keep trying. I hope FatBoy doesn't notice where I dislodged the fence planks. maybe I can sneak out when he's not looking, and eat one of those short dogs (with the long purring tails) that live across the street.

2005-09-27T14:29:00.000-05:00

Have you ever farted unexpectedly, such that it startles you? I was laying on the floor of FatBoy's office today, and an unexpected pop under my tail made me shoot up off the floor. It didn't scare me, so I didn't bark at it, but I did look around the room to see if there was anyone I could blame this flatulence on. Sadly, the small dogs (with the long tails) were at the north end of the house.

I heard FatBoy giggle at my plight. I'll get back at him sometime; he does enough stupid things that it won't be long before I can laugh at him. Once I learned how to laugh, that is.

2005-09-23T21:17:00.000-05:00

Does anyone have a copy of Campfire Songs translated into Labrador Retriever?

All the Humans are preparing for something called a "Hurricane," so FatBoy has decided that he and I (along with the short dogs (with the long tails) should practice by turning off the electricity and singing campfire songs in front of the gas-burning fireplace.

There are a few problems with that:

1- it's still September. It's over 100 degrees outside. It's too hot for a campfire. The short dogs and I vote FOR keeping the air conditioner on.

2- I'm a dog. I don't DO campfire songs. Look it up on Google if you don't believe me.

3- Now will you double-check my water bowl and food dish? I'm bored and hungry.

2005-09-18T20:34:00.000-05:00

Published in The New Yorker July 5, 1993

2005-09-09T20:58:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what's happening, but FatBoy's been watching more television than usual the past 10 days or so. Every once in awhile, he yells out "doggie!" and points to the screen. Naturally, I don't take the queue; instead I go to the front window and don't see any dogs, and eventually I trot back to the living room.

A few days ago, he muttered something about getting another dog and naming it Katrina. I wonder if he's trying to replace me?

2005-08-18T17:38:00.000-05:00

When FatBoy tells me how long he'll be gone, sometimes I "run out" for awhile.

Today, I ran to the local Palm Reader, but she sent me away. She said I didn't have a palm .. only "pads".

If I had tear ducts, I'd cry. This is so unfair.

2005-08-16T03:01:00.000-05:00

oh, man! cat food is Y-U-M-M-Y.

not that I can reach it, usually .. FatBoy keeps it on the countertop, where Black Cat can jump up and munch as much as she wants. But TODAY .. her tummy must've been upset since she coughed up the food in the big bathroom. Yes, right there on the floor, where I had easy access.

Mmm, mmm .. that stuff's tasty even after Black Cat "pre-digested" it.

2005-08-13T14:38:00.000-05:00

Well, it's a bit brighter red and fits better, so .. maybe FatBoy did something right for a change. I'm (of course) talking about my new 22" collar. It's the only clothing I wear. Good thing, since it's in the high 90's most days, this time of year. The 78F air conditioning is much nicer.

Back to my collar: before he tossed it in the trash, I saw the tag for my collar. Turns out it's called a "Comfort Cushion" from Aspen Pet, and since it was in a Petco bag, I'm pretty sure that's where he got it.

Well, time to take a nap. I do that often, and am very, very good at it.

2005-07-26T09:41:00.000-05:00

While FatBoy was out, I was web surfing, and found this site: Sam ... World's Ugliest Dog

Yeesh! That is one U-G-L-Y mutt.

2005-07-17T12:05:00.000-05:00

Jill Bob sent FatBoy an email with some Cat Haiku: how revolting. He laughed, but I didn't see the humor.

Since I recently learned to use A9, I easy found some Dog Haiku that's much more on target. Maybe I'll write some of my own?

2005-07-16T10:30:00.000-05:00

Dammit, Janet! FatBoy tricked me - again!

Here he was, praising me and telling me what a Good Girl I am, then he leaned over and <squirt> he put that flea stuff between my shoulder blades, where I can't reach to lick it off. Argh!

Then, he tricked me again by offering a treat, which turned out to be that heartworm prevention pill. It tastes like chalk! I know it tastes like chalk because I used to eat chalk when I was young.

Oh well, what's done is done. I'll not fall for this trick again next month! (or will I?)

2005-07-09T21:01:00.000-05:00

Arooooooooooo!!

Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark.

<pant pant pant>

Bark bark bark.

<fart>

2005-07-08T09:16:00.000-05:00

I thought FatBoy was taking me for a ride, but we ended up at the vet. Apparently I weigh 83.5 pounds now.

The vet's a nice enough guy, but I swear he keeps that stethoscope in the freezer before listening to my heartbeat. He then took me to the back room (out of FatBoy's sight) and took a blood sample (something about "heartworm test"). Then, he stuck me with needles - 3 times, then poured some liquid up my nose (yeesh - I hate that!). He pointed another instrument in each ear, then yet another instrument to check my eyes.

I guess I'm healthy, since he let me leave (after FatBoy signed something - what's a Visa Card, anyway?). Now, I'm back home and feeling just a little woozy .. time for a nice nap.

2005-07-07T07:39:00.000-05:00

Across the street, a yellow van pulled up to the neighbor's home. I hadn't seen that one before. On the side, it says "Soggy Doggy Mobile Dog Grooming". Hmmm. I wonder what they do?

For the past several years, I've seen a purple "Pet Love" van stop by once every few weeks.

I wonder how hard it was to change the van color from purple to yellow?

2005-07-03T12:38:00.000-05:00

something must be up: today, FatBoy put 3 Hawaiian leis around my neck. There's one of each: red, blue and white. Then he stood back to look and laugh at me, like he'd accomplished something spectacular. What a putz!

2005-07-02T12:49:00.000-05:00

a new human came by today, and she smelled of Another Dog. I think she told FatBoy that she had a German Shepherd Dog at home, but I could be mistaken. I've learned to be careful when humans come into the house, and they're armed. Still, she didn't look like she wanted to hurt anyone.

I tried to jump on her, to show how much I wanted to play, but she seemed to be All Business. When's FatBoy gonna bring someone home that I can just play with? Harumph.

2005-06-23T13:38:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it is about small dogs with long tails, but they're not welcome in my yard. Since you probably read my blog, allow me to address you directly:

The two small dogs who live with me (the black one and the fat one) are okay. They both let me chase them sometimes, or we run through the house together. But you neighborhood dogs come into my yard (even under the pecan tree in the backyard!) and I never, ever gave you permission to do so.

Maybe if I could just bark (talk) to you, we could reach an understanding. I'll stay inside the house, except when FatBoy lets me into the backyard for some R&R, and you stay the heck off my property!

Don't think I don't see you taking a dump in our flower beds, or sitting under the tree waiting for a squirrel to come into range! And yes, I know that you can catch and kill a squirrel when I can't (you're smaller and quieter), but don't think for a moment that I'm granting you a free pass.

I'm watching you, Dog. Maybe one day we can chat (bark) about how our roles are defined?

Okay, that's done. I've had my say. Now, time to go back to guarding the house.

2005-06-22T13:47:00.000-05:00

Ah, fresh food. I polished off the last of the Beneful (Shiny Coat Formula) and FatBoy opened a new bag, so I'm sated for now.

I'm so glad he learned to leave the food in the bag, rather than dumping it into that plastic container. He has no idea how that plastic taste leaches into the food after a couple weeks. I might as well be eating a Barbie Doll: blech.

2005-06-15T12:16:00.000-05:00

I wonder if FatBoy has read this article: American Kennel Club - AKC eNewsletter. Since I get to stay inside most of the time (in the air conditioning) I've never been too bothered by the Texas summer.

Yesterday, I saw FatBoy looking at one of those mail order catalogs, and heard him laugh. Later, when he went on one of his errands, I looked at the catalog and saw he was looking at a dog watering device, triggered by a motion sensor whenever I'd walk over to it. Yeah, right. Like I have the brains to use that.

FatBoy's never, ever given me a bath but I think I smell pretty dern good. I've sniffed the butts of a few long-haired dogs over the years, and they reeeeek!

Still, my favorite sniff was The Goat at the Richardson Animal Shelter (where FatBoy found me). I wish I could've spent more time with him (her?) as the bleats were unlike anything else I've experienced.

Today's the 15th .. that means I'll probably get squirted with that anti-flea stuff again. Yeesh.

2005-06-01T08:38:00.000-05:00

Something's going on outside; FatBoy won't open the curtains, but I can hear Big Things Out There. This started at exactly 7am (FatBoy doesn't know I can read the clock just as well as he can).

He hasn't mowed the backyard grass in over a month, and it's getting a bit spooky in some parts of the yard. I'm doing my best to keep The Evil Spirits away, but one has taken over, just outside the back door. I can smell it whenever I go outside. This rivets my attention, and sometimes I can't even remember to whiz or poop. This is all so very confusing.

2005-05-21T20:02:00.000-05:00

Okay, so one thing's good about living here with the two small dogs (with the long tails): AIR CONDITIONING. It was 100 degrees outside, but only 78 inside so I spent as much time as possible crashed on the cool marble floors. I'm too short to reach the thermostat, but FatBoy seems to check them often enough.

2005-05-15T11:44:00.000-05:00

It must be the 15th. I hate it when FatBoy puts on the latex gloves. I'm not as stupid as he thinks I am, and I know what he's up to .. he's gonna squirt some of that Frontline+ between my shoulder blades where I can't reach it. I don't know what it does, but it makes my back feel oogie.

2005-05-14T23:33:00.000-05:00

FatBoy left me alone from 8-noon, when he stopped by to let me out for 2 minutes (what a nice touch) while he fetched the mail. To thank him for leaving me with Those Mutant Dogs (the short ones with the long, purring tails), I took a small dump in the library.

He returned about 7pm and was in for the night, alternating snoozing on the couch, doing something on the computer and text-messaging some friends. At least he remembered to change my (our?) water and feed me.

This new Beneful ("Healthy Radiance" formula) tastes good; it's supposed to keep my fur shiny so I don't itch as much.

2005-05-13T17:43:00.000-05:00

I'd been outside for awhile, but when FatBoy let me inside, I whizzed on the carpet, about 10 feet away from where he was on the computer. Now he's angry.

He cleaned it up with the WetVac and sprinkled some of that Arm & Hammer Deodorizer on it, then vacuumed it. Can barely tell I whizzed. Next time, I won't be so loud. Maybe it'll have a chance to soak in before he discovers it.

FatBoy brought home a 6-inch long beef bone yesterday. It tasted okay for awhile, but it's lost it's scent, so I think I'll just leave it somewhere and forget about it.